thesis

Chapter One

On August 18th two children are born, which means their parents had done it approximately nine months before in mid-December. To this day that is why they both love snow. "To share the same birthday is something special and unusual," he would tell her one day, but until that day comes she is waiting.

In their young lives both become independent and their interests prove fruitful - having all the potential in the world. Evading society and friends was not always possible, or necessarily beneficial, yet imaginative children find the best time is spent in the singular. While dinosaurs romp through the pages of books, I find myself dumbstruck when asked if God exists. As children, we dreamed of God, of purpose, of Atlantis, we thought we dreamed of each other.

"How long have you liked me?"

"Oh, since forever. How could I not, you are such a nice person."

It seems cliche, but under the dock that night there was a shooting star; stars today only yield false prophets, but still we dream.

On February 10th, 1995, she becomes scared that her parents will forget about her at school and not pick her up. Across the globe at the same time, his parents have once again forgotten their son, both claiming the other parent was to retrieve him that afternoon. A ghost wind swept across a missing continent while one lets unwanted fear manipulate her life and the other quietly stashes all undeserved sadness under his pillow. We ziplock these memories and save them for a better time.

Chapter Two

They receive good grades and are considered smart by piers. They are not touched, but secretly desired by all.

Chapter Three

Julia sits in the back seat of her mom's car as her best friend holds a sharpie marker to her ear, designating the piercing location. Why do you only want one ear pierced, her best friend asks her. One is special, she responds. Whatever, and he clicks the gun and she doesn't feel a thing. Oh the things we do when we are young.

Back in the countryside, a bird becomes a excited and clings to his favorite bell. He regurgitates seed for his toy; this is the highest form of flattery to be given by a bird to a person, or in this case, from a bird to a bell.

As for Samuel, we can only guess. He is out on a river somewhere, the quick waves give him a rush similar to what lust must feel like. Water gushes in as he flips over, and he hears his brother call out for him. He surfaces right away, breathing heavily and opening his eyes really wide and then blinking them. He laughs at the thrill of it all. Why would their be long term side effects? Oh, what we will do for a good time.

Nearby, a dog has wandered far off course and boarded a bus for the city. After a moment of self realization he gets off and walks home, missing something or someone.

matador

a game of dominance and control. you are in control, i am in the spotlight still being digested by onlookers. my stomach fluxuates with a tick tick tick. soon my secret will come clean because it's been in for so long. i don't want to work it out but oh julia you know you really want to work it out. the world tells you that this is so so so abusive for you but that makes you want it all the more. it's up to you to draw the line, but you know it makes you sick.

how harder do you want it. i told them on my application i wanted to change the world but look here i can hardly change myself. my boots are too tight but they cinch my calfs so they look so nice. this song makes me want to look up words in my dictionary so I can be as cool as her, but i know it will never make you sick because you and your stomach can't risk a move

the ghost is not enough

which was an interesting sentence to come out of the library last night. ricky and i stumbled across george bernard shaws "on going to church" and read aloud the first few pages which made us chuckle. along with that there were penny whistles and self conscious stuttering.

when I walk along the streets I listen to music and my mind pretends that i sing them, and then come home and sing aloud in my room. i don't know if anyone hears.

my time is somewhat more pieced together at this point but there are weak points when my mind begins to wonder. I wonder....does this in between year ever matter? what has really changed between us? am i making this more complicated than it should be?
does he know where to place me, does he know what to think of me, am i in the wrong? why do i still want him? everyday it's the only thing i want, it has driven all other need out of me. his ghost is not enough for me to wrap my hands around anymore. all i do is miss my papa.

two weeks later

Yeah I missed you since the place got wrecked
By the winds of change and the weeds of sex
looks like freedom but it feels like death
it's something in between, I guess

this has been running around in my head for the past two weeks, again and again, and I pity those in the rooms next to me and on the train who hear it on repeat. and so that adds us up to a month, a little more than this friday. i'm settling on such an unsettling topic and listening to yann tiersen in the background is probably not helping. switch to yeah yeah yeahs.

if he cared about me, or wanted anything, would he have contacted me by now?

things just keep getting weirder and weirder and i'm treading on dangerous ground. or so i am told by others. what will i do with that??? I love sitting here deliberating. no i don't. just when I started to tell myself, no that's it, your not playing this game inyour head anymore it comes and smacks me- wham! talking could make things awkward from here on in, not talking will make me feel weirder. My stomach is upset. not because of this, but because I think I ate something strange.

fling

so this has transformed into my personal space rather than a craft activity place. frankily that is okay with me right now, because i really need a place to bitch and moan.
i don't even know why i try anymore to think that anyone could potenially like me in a way other than a friend. there are no signs and symbols, didn't i learn that in class? then why am i sitting here thinking about them, analyzing every sign, every little thing that comes into my mind. you really can't believe anything that you see these days. i'm not sure that i do . My binder sits there in the corner of the room taunting me, do you dare do you dare....

why the f am i even thinking about this- i should have known better. i should have. i guess that's what happens to girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves. things can spill easily, and things can stain, especially when you wear white. things aren't very teenager"ish" anymore, they are just dull and nothing is unexpected.

I still enjoy being in a place that is not my room but i can't keep it up this much longer. it is almost time for a new day and i am not ready.. .... a new week. myself hoping so hard and practicing in my head often and not able to stummer a word save sarcasm and ignorance. the ghost of the hallway and stairway visit me frequently and leave me post in notes in neon blue and magenta.

can we just play this song on repeat...until we die? i have never heard so much longing in a song. and i can't help but feeling raptured in ever ounce of it...
are you sad things didn't go your way. are you dissapointed in yourself? are you strong? can you tell someone how you feel when you are not sure it will be reciprocated? are you waiting all the time for the day to end? are you putting all your eggs in one basket, ....again? Because you are so good at it. i thought things used to be so deep and powerful once but i don't think so anymore.
despite everything that i used to cover things up.....cute things, fluffy things.....i also like things very opposite. i don't know what to make of this.

twenty six days

until all this fun ends and until i can manage to make myself sputter out some words which I have never had the guts to spill before. I suppose in the way that dad and i made a half an hour lunch seem much longer it is possible to do the same here. i think? things pop up when you don't expect them to and then when you sit there waiting for them they rarely come. it's almost one oclock but there's this weird feeling that i could just be content sitting here for a few more hours dangling myself on the thread for no apparent reason and only to be made false in the end.

that's why i have barely talked to anyone about this. i forget where it was that i saw this- but the idea of keeping something to yourself somehow makes it a little more special and meaningful. when you talk about it wil somehow disintigrate. I dread the upcoming weekend. tests and school work are nothing but when i sit down and try to think about everything that i need to do concering ---this issue, well i feel stagnant and somewhat helpless- i think i am quite caught in this web and i'm not sure what i am supposed to do about. surely i have two previous experiences which would technically allow me to properly analyaze these situations but i'm afraid at the time each one would not listen to the other and then it would all go blank and self destruct. I should know better by now but i don't. maybe i really need to fuck up really badly in order to get it registered in my system and then i will never do it again.

rejoicing

interesting title but not exactly pertinant to things right now. as scent permeats the room i will now practice writing. this place is a place of homework, reading, writing, and dawdling and playing on the computer. I'm going to make myself go to bed within fifteen minutes. can't keep these late night hours up when classes come around the bend so quickly in the morning.

grr I want to learn how to use my serger. should I just go for it on my own....not that I exactly have any specific projects going right now. I should probably make pillow covers next, although I have little use for any more pillows. Too many of them take up my bed as it is!

There is little concrete evidence to support claims and i trying to look onto the realistic side of things rightnow, and specfically not get my hopes up. I've done that too many time. But I wonder what this all says about me and about where I am going with things. Quiet is daunting but somewhat peaceful. I get to see one of my friends this saturday who I haven't seen in a long time. there is also the potential possibilty of canoeing....which would be different but I think it would be good to shuffle things up a bit. Get minds off certain things....

I am half way done with my paper for my AH class....It's challanging, this assignment. I was taught so long that my writing style was to ...weird that I could use it so gradually I taught myself to write very formally, and I now that I am being asked to be creative again i keep thinking that everything that I write sounds bazaar.

Can you smell that from here? Can you see that? It's so nice. I've been learning that seeing, really seeing, is another form of touching. perhaps closer than touching. what is is like to be seen? to really be seen....to have someone look at you and have a relationship strictly through the eyes. I think my current situation is helping me better understand this "Darsan" because I consistantly try to look for more in gestures than there really is.

My camera is officially dead. My phone survived. I would have prefered it the other way around.

september 20th, one month

Many things have changed since i got back, and i think primarily I have changed. I'm not quite sure what i want anymore at this point but the things that i do know I cling on to tightly and make sure I work hard on them. I've concluded that I'm not happy with who I am in my mind right now, I am not putting everything there I have to good use, most of which has been dorment for some time now. I need to constantly remind myself that yes, I actually used to be an intellectual- and now I seem to be someone who just goes with the flow of what is most easily available. I don't like that, I want that to change in myself.

It's fun now to be wrapped up in a christmas quilt sitting in the library, enjoying presence, enjoying what I have despite of circumstances. I can be thankful and I am for what I have here. "Silence is Golden" or so I have been told in a number or ways, the latest of which was on a movie screen.

I need a new outside of school project, having completed socks, slippers, aprons, and a few dresses. What will be next....about time I used some of all that fabric that I bought.

The plants look nice in here and the red flowers give it something extra. Not the smell, not the look, something else.

For a long time I have been trying to think of word or a defintion of something that exceeds what people see and know as pleasure and/ or love. I can't put a finger on it, but once and while it will catch me off guard and it leaves me in awe. The Recurring dream, for instance. Two different rooms right next to eachother, an old fashion greenhouse with small mossy pools (the first) and a two floor library (the second.) They walk into me about once a month and i am always left feeling unsettled but happy. A separate example: when I hear something lovely, in particular, a piece of music with harmony and crescendo. Some architecture will also make me feel this way. That prickly feeling you get when you are having a really great time with someone- not even someone you know too well. That person smiling and laughing in the corner of the room, and you wishing you had the guts to go and strike up a conversation. Some of these things give more pleasure than any kind of intimacy. I am sceptical that this will change. I just wish sometimes I knew someone who understood this.

I seek out someone who appreciates and sees these things too but am doubtful they will talk to me. Sometimes I just like being around him for no reason. But why am I still here?

I should know by now not to get my hopes up too high. I just need to let things go. Always impossible things, always unlikely so the point becomes mute. I should just let it go and let friends remain friends and stay like that. And so on and so forth.

ambivalent

I have really enjoyed my classes so far this semester except that ....my science technology class if slightly unsatisfying. Teacher is nice but there seems to be a lack of...assignments and or anything else so to speak.

Other things are unclear as welll.....my like hate relationship with tom waits continues at the present moment as mule variations seems to play, and the clock ticks away and i enjoy being unclear, ambivalent, and oh so teenager again.

am i hip enough

to think of kick ass post names? no, I'm afraid not. It's been a lovely day of knitting, working on my cage project (pretty much done now) and other things...like puttering. I'm very good at that. Now I'm thinking- how can the song Herculean be so good and epic when it's too short? It really has so much more potential than it is as it is now. It could easily go on for another verse or so. Nevertheless I enjoy watching the boys in suits and top hats and pulling off that grungy-chic without that much effort. Enough to make you swoon.

The Loreena McKennitt concert was amazing. After waiting like 8 years or so to see her live- well I think it worked out just dandy. She played great songs- not just the ones from her new album. She opened up with "She moved through the Fair"...which sounded different that it did on paralell dreams. Also- I was totally psyched about her playing The Old Ways, The Highwayman, and The Lady of Shallot. Could it have gotten better? YEs! Then she played Marco Polo....and other wonderous things.

However seeing Loreena meant not seeing Jarvis Cocker, which was ultimate sadness for me. In fact. I just his video for "Don't Let Him waste your time" which I laughed so much over. It's so lame and corny and I love it.

So, Lets talk about socks. Beautiful Lace socks, as in the Anna Socks in Rowan # 40. These made my heart flutter when I picked up the pattern book a few weeks back...and now I have gotten Sooty...the 4 ply soft, and I'm so happy with the first 7 inches of progress that I have made. I have done my research and read others posts about the needle size so I started with US 2 dpns and probably will go down to 1's towards the ankle. I've never made socks before...so we shall see what happens. Hopefully I'll get to the end of the calf before I go to Japan so someone in the house can help me do the heel and foot!

So, potentially, in my dream store/craft center/ maybe something else too..there would be many antipast socks, alaia flats, handspun yarn, sock monkeys, hysteric glamour, cupcakes, liberty of london prints, marimekko prints, prairie underground, clogs, russel and hazel, sukie, origami paper, duck umbrellas, bensimon shoes, vintage german glass beads, japanese craft magazines, buttons, petit bateau shirts, and many other handmade things.
theoretically.

from the library

Oh my look at that lovely weather outside, and look that is a little finch sitting on the window ledge! cute!!! I was really hoping to go for a walk along the river today, but it seems I have developed a little cold. I am somewhat in denial about this, but hopefully I will get over it soon. My artwork has been coming together slowly this semester but it will all be said and done very soon. I've been working on making some patterns on my own for clothes and been working on some installation related things which pertain to my house.

On a happy note, I'm to go see Loreena McKennitt in April! A long time favorite of myself and mom's, we are very happy because she doesn't not come around very often. Of course, Jarvis Cocker also has to be touring within the same few days as that and I can't afford to go to NYC to see him...as we all know, everything happens at once. Including the re-emergence of brit pop. Jarvis...Damon Albarn with a new band and album which is fun....and maybe Blur getting back together....this all makes for a happy me.

Including....did I mention, myself going to Japan? I'm so excited!!