thesis

Chapter One

On August 18th two children are born, which means their parents had done it approximately nine months before in mid-December. To this day that is why they both love snow. "To share the same birthday is something special and unusual," he would tell her one day, but until that day comes she is waiting.

In their young lives both become independent and their interests prove fruitful - having all the potential in the world. Evading society and friends was not always possible, or necessarily beneficial, yet imaginative children find the best time is spent in the singular. While dinosaurs romp through the pages of books, I find myself dumbstruck when asked if God exists. As children, we dreamed of God, of purpose, of Atlantis, we thought we dreamed of each other.

"How long have you liked me?"

"Oh, since forever. How could I not, you are such a nice person."

It seems cliche, but under the dock that night there was a shooting star; stars today only yield false prophets, but still we dream.

On February 10th, 1995, she becomes scared that her parents will forget about her at school and not pick her up. Across the globe at the same time, his parents have once again forgotten their son, both claiming the other parent was to retrieve him that afternoon. A ghost wind swept across a missing continent while one lets unwanted fear manipulate her life and the other quietly stashes all undeserved sadness under his pillow. We ziplock these memories and save them for a better time.

Chapter Two

They receive good grades and are considered smart by piers. They are not touched, but secretly desired by all.

Chapter Three

Julia sits in the back seat of her mom's car as her best friend holds a sharpie marker to her ear, designating the piercing location. Why do you only want one ear pierced, her best friend asks her. One is special, she responds. Whatever, and he clicks the gun and she doesn't feel a thing. Oh the things we do when we are young.

Back in the countryside, a bird becomes a excited and clings to his favorite bell. He regurgitates seed for his toy; this is the highest form of flattery to be given by a bird to a person, or in this case, from a bird to a bell.

As for Samuel, we can only guess. He is out on a river somewhere, the quick waves give him a rush similar to what lust must feel like. Water gushes in as he flips over, and he hears his brother call out for him. He surfaces right away, breathing heavily and opening his eyes really wide and then blinking them. He laughs at the thrill of it all. Why would their be long term side effects? Oh, what we will do for a good time.

Nearby, a dog has wandered far off course and boarded a bus for the city. After a moment of self realization he gets off and walks home, missing something or someone.

matador

a game of dominance and control. you are in control, i am in the spotlight still being digested by onlookers. my stomach fluxuates with a tick tick tick. soon my secret will come clean because it's been in for so long. i don't want to work it out but oh julia you know you really want to work it out. the world tells you that this is so so so abusive for you but that makes you want it all the more. it's up to you to draw the line, but you know it makes you sick.

how harder do you want it. i told them on my application i wanted to change the world but look here i can hardly change myself. my boots are too tight but they cinch my calfs so they look so nice. this song makes me want to look up words in my dictionary so I can be as cool as her, but i know it will never make you sick because you and your stomach can't risk a move

the ghost is not enough

which was an interesting sentence to come out of the library last night. ricky and i stumbled across george bernard shaws "on going to church" and read aloud the first few pages which made us chuckle. along with that there were penny whistles and self conscious stuttering.

when I walk along the streets I listen to music and my mind pretends that i sing them, and then come home and sing aloud in my room. i don't know if anyone hears.

my time is somewhat more pieced together at this point but there are weak points when my mind begins to wonder. I wonder....does this in between year ever matter? what has really changed between us? am i making this more complicated than it should be?
does he know where to place me, does he know what to think of me, am i in the wrong? why do i still want him? everyday it's the only thing i want, it has driven all other need out of me. his ghost is not enough for me to wrap my hands around anymore. all i do is miss my papa.

two weeks later

Yeah I missed you since the place got wrecked
By the winds of change and the weeds of sex
looks like freedom but it feels like death
it's something in between, I guess

this has been running around in my head for the past two weeks, again and again, and I pity those in the rooms next to me and on the train who hear it on repeat. and so that adds us up to a month, a little more than this friday. i'm settling on such an unsettling topic and listening to yann tiersen in the background is probably not helping. switch to yeah yeah yeahs.

if he cared about me, or wanted anything, would he have contacted me by now?

things just keep getting weirder and weirder and i'm treading on dangerous ground. or so i am told by others. what will i do with that??? I love sitting here deliberating. no i don't. just when I started to tell myself, no that's it, your not playing this game inyour head anymore it comes and smacks me- wham! talking could make things awkward from here on in, not talking will make me feel weirder. My stomach is upset. not because of this, but because I think I ate something strange.

fling

so this has transformed into my personal space rather than a craft activity place. frankily that is okay with me right now, because i really need a place to bitch and moan.
i don't even know why i try anymore to think that anyone could potenially like me in a way other than a friend. there are no signs and symbols, didn't i learn that in class? then why am i sitting here thinking about them, analyzing every sign, every little thing that comes into my mind. you really can't believe anything that you see these days. i'm not sure that i do . My binder sits there in the corner of the room taunting me, do you dare do you dare....

why the f am i even thinking about this- i should have known better. i should have. i guess that's what happens to girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves. things can spill easily, and things can stain, especially when you wear white. things aren't very teenager"ish" anymore, they are just dull and nothing is unexpected.

I still enjoy being in a place that is not my room but i can't keep it up this much longer. it is almost time for a new day and i am not ready.. .... a new week. myself hoping so hard and practicing in my head often and not able to stummer a word save sarcasm and ignorance. the ghost of the hallway and stairway visit me frequently and leave me post in notes in neon blue and magenta.

can we just play this song on repeat...until we die? i have never heard so much longing in a song. and i can't help but feeling raptured in ever ounce of it...
are you sad things didn't go your way. are you dissapointed in yourself? are you strong? can you tell someone how you feel when you are not sure it will be reciprocated? are you waiting all the time for the day to end? are you putting all your eggs in one basket, ....again? Because you are so good at it. i thought things used to be so deep and powerful once but i don't think so anymore.
despite everything that i used to cover things up.....cute things, fluffy things.....i also like things very opposite. i don't know what to make of this.

twenty six days

until all this fun ends and until i can manage to make myself sputter out some words which I have never had the guts to spill before. I suppose in the way that dad and i made a half an hour lunch seem much longer it is possible to do the same here. i think? things pop up when you don't expect them to and then when you sit there waiting for them they rarely come. it's almost one oclock but there's this weird feeling that i could just be content sitting here for a few more hours dangling myself on the thread for no apparent reason and only to be made false in the end.

that's why i have barely talked to anyone about this. i forget where it was that i saw this- but the idea of keeping something to yourself somehow makes it a little more special and meaningful. when you talk about it wil somehow disintigrate. I dread the upcoming weekend. tests and school work are nothing but when i sit down and try to think about everything that i need to do concering ---this issue, well i feel stagnant and somewhat helpless- i think i am quite caught in this web and i'm not sure what i am supposed to do about. surely i have two previous experiences which would technically allow me to properly analyaze these situations but i'm afraid at the time each one would not listen to the other and then it would all go blank and self destruct. I should know better by now but i don't. maybe i really need to fuck up really badly in order to get it registered in my system and then i will never do it again.