twenty six days

until all this fun ends and until i can manage to make myself sputter out some words which I have never had the guts to spill before. I suppose in the way that dad and i made a half an hour lunch seem much longer it is possible to do the same here. i think? things pop up when you don't expect them to and then when you sit there waiting for them they rarely come. it's almost one oclock but there's this weird feeling that i could just be content sitting here for a few more hours dangling myself on the thread for no apparent reason and only to be made false in the end.

that's why i have barely talked to anyone about this. i forget where it was that i saw this- but the idea of keeping something to yourself somehow makes it a little more special and meaningful. when you talk about it wil somehow disintigrate. I dread the upcoming weekend. tests and school work are nothing but when i sit down and try to think about everything that i need to do concering ---this issue, well i feel stagnant and somewhat helpless- i think i am quite caught in this web and i'm not sure what i am supposed to do about. surely i have two previous experiences which would technically allow me to properly analyaze these situations but i'm afraid at the time each one would not listen to the other and then it would all go blank and self destruct. I should know better by now but i don't. maybe i really need to fuck up really badly in order to get it registered in my system and then i will never do it again.

rejoicing

interesting title but not exactly pertinant to things right now. as scent permeats the room i will now practice writing. this place is a place of homework, reading, writing, and dawdling and playing on the computer. I'm going to make myself go to bed within fifteen minutes. can't keep these late night hours up when classes come around the bend so quickly in the morning.

grr I want to learn how to use my serger. should I just go for it on my own....not that I exactly have any specific projects going right now. I should probably make pillow covers next, although I have little use for any more pillows. Too many of them take up my bed as it is!

There is little concrete evidence to support claims and i trying to look onto the realistic side of things rightnow, and specfically not get my hopes up. I've done that too many time. But I wonder what this all says about me and about where I am going with things. Quiet is daunting but somewhat peaceful. I get to see one of my friends this saturday who I haven't seen in a long time. there is also the potential possibilty of canoeing....which would be different but I think it would be good to shuffle things up a bit. Get minds off certain things....

I am half way done with my paper for my AH class....It's challanging, this assignment. I was taught so long that my writing style was to ...weird that I could use it so gradually I taught myself to write very formally, and I now that I am being asked to be creative again i keep thinking that everything that I write sounds bazaar.

Can you smell that from here? Can you see that? It's so nice. I've been learning that seeing, really seeing, is another form of touching. perhaps closer than touching. what is is like to be seen? to really be seen....to have someone look at you and have a relationship strictly through the eyes. I think my current situation is helping me better understand this "Darsan" because I consistantly try to look for more in gestures than there really is.

My camera is officially dead. My phone survived. I would have prefered it the other way around.

september 20th, one month

Many things have changed since i got back, and i think primarily I have changed. I'm not quite sure what i want anymore at this point but the things that i do know I cling on to tightly and make sure I work hard on them. I've concluded that I'm not happy with who I am in my mind right now, I am not putting everything there I have to good use, most of which has been dorment for some time now. I need to constantly remind myself that yes, I actually used to be an intellectual- and now I seem to be someone who just goes with the flow of what is most easily available. I don't like that, I want that to change in myself.

It's fun now to be wrapped up in a christmas quilt sitting in the library, enjoying presence, enjoying what I have despite of circumstances. I can be thankful and I am for what I have here. "Silence is Golden" or so I have been told in a number or ways, the latest of which was on a movie screen.

I need a new outside of school project, having completed socks, slippers, aprons, and a few dresses. What will be next....about time I used some of all that fabric that I bought.

The plants look nice in here and the red flowers give it something extra. Not the smell, not the look, something else.

For a long time I have been trying to think of word or a defintion of something that exceeds what people see and know as pleasure and/ or love. I can't put a finger on it, but once and while it will catch me off guard and it leaves me in awe. The Recurring dream, for instance. Two different rooms right next to eachother, an old fashion greenhouse with small mossy pools (the first) and a two floor library (the second.) They walk into me about once a month and i am always left feeling unsettled but happy. A separate example: when I hear something lovely, in particular, a piece of music with harmony and crescendo. Some architecture will also make me feel this way. That prickly feeling you get when you are having a really great time with someone- not even someone you know too well. That person smiling and laughing in the corner of the room, and you wishing you had the guts to go and strike up a conversation. Some of these things give more pleasure than any kind of intimacy. I am sceptical that this will change. I just wish sometimes I knew someone who understood this.

I seek out someone who appreciates and sees these things too but am doubtful they will talk to me. Sometimes I just like being around him for no reason. But why am I still here?

I should know by now not to get my hopes up too high. I just need to let things go. Always impossible things, always unlikely so the point becomes mute. I should just let it go and let friends remain friends and stay like that. And so on and so forth.

ambivalent

I have really enjoyed my classes so far this semester except that ....my science technology class if slightly unsatisfying. Teacher is nice but there seems to be a lack of...assignments and or anything else so to speak.

Other things are unclear as welll.....my like hate relationship with tom waits continues at the present moment as mule variations seems to play, and the clock ticks away and i enjoy being unclear, ambivalent, and oh so teenager again.