twenty six days

until all this fun ends and until i can manage to make myself sputter out some words which I have never had the guts to spill before. I suppose in the way that dad and i made a half an hour lunch seem much longer it is possible to do the same here. i think? things pop up when you don't expect them to and then when you sit there waiting for them they rarely come. it's almost one oclock but there's this weird feeling that i could just be content sitting here for a few more hours dangling myself on the thread for no apparent reason and only to be made false in the end.

that's why i have barely talked to anyone about this. i forget where it was that i saw this- but the idea of keeping something to yourself somehow makes it a little more special and meaningful. when you talk about it wil somehow disintigrate. I dread the upcoming weekend. tests and school work are nothing but when i sit down and try to think about everything that i need to do concering ---this issue, well i feel stagnant and somewhat helpless- i think i am quite caught in this web and i'm not sure what i am supposed to do about. surely i have two previous experiences which would technically allow me to properly analyaze these situations but i'm afraid at the time each one would not listen to the other and then it would all go blank and self destruct. I should know better by now but i don't. maybe i really need to fuck up really badly in order to get it registered in my system and then i will never do it again.