september 20th, one month

Many things have changed since i got back, and i think primarily I have changed. I'm not quite sure what i want anymore at this point but the things that i do know I cling on to tightly and make sure I work hard on them. I've concluded that I'm not happy with who I am in my mind right now, I am not putting everything there I have to good use, most of which has been dorment for some time now. I need to constantly remind myself that yes, I actually used to be an intellectual- and now I seem to be someone who just goes with the flow of what is most easily available. I don't like that, I want that to change in myself.

It's fun now to be wrapped up in a christmas quilt sitting in the library, enjoying presence, enjoying what I have despite of circumstances. I can be thankful and I am for what I have here. "Silence is Golden" or so I have been told in a number or ways, the latest of which was on a movie screen.

I need a new outside of school project, having completed socks, slippers, aprons, and a few dresses. What will be next....about time I used some of all that fabric that I bought.

The plants look nice in here and the red flowers give it something extra. Not the smell, not the look, something else.

For a long time I have been trying to think of word or a defintion of something that exceeds what people see and know as pleasure and/ or love. I can't put a finger on it, but once and while it will catch me off guard and it leaves me in awe. The Recurring dream, for instance. Two different rooms right next to eachother, an old fashion greenhouse with small mossy pools (the first) and a two floor library (the second.) They walk into me about once a month and i am always left feeling unsettled but happy. A separate example: when I hear something lovely, in particular, a piece of music with harmony and crescendo. Some architecture will also make me feel this way. That prickly feeling you get when you are having a really great time with someone- not even someone you know too well. That person smiling and laughing in the corner of the room, and you wishing you had the guts to go and strike up a conversation. Some of these things give more pleasure than any kind of intimacy. I am sceptical that this will change. I just wish sometimes I knew someone who understood this.

I seek out someone who appreciates and sees these things too but am doubtful they will talk to me. Sometimes I just like being around him for no reason. But why am I still here?