things just keep getting weirder and weirder and i'm treading on dangerous ground. or so i am told by others. what will i do with that??? I love sitting here deliberating. no i don't. just when I started to tell myself, no that's it, your not playing this game inyour head anymore it comes and smacks me- wham! talking could make things awkward from here on in, not talking will make me feel weirder. My stomach is upset. not because of this, but because I think I ate something strange.

fling

so this has transformed into my personal space rather than a craft activity place. frankily that is okay with me right now, because i really need a place to bitch and moan.
i don't even know why i try anymore to think that anyone could potenially like me in a way other than a friend. there are no signs and symbols, didn't i learn that in class? then why am i sitting here thinking about them, analyzing every sign, every little thing that comes into my mind. you really can't believe anything that you see these days. i'm not sure that i do . My binder sits there in the corner of the room taunting me, do you dare do you dare....

why the f am i even thinking about this- i should have known better. i should have. i guess that's what happens to girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves. things can spill easily, and things can stain, especially when you wear white. things aren't very teenager"ish" anymore, they are just dull and nothing is unexpected.

I still enjoy being in a place that is not my room but i can't keep it up this much longer. it is almost time for a new day and i am not ready.. .... a new week. myself hoping so hard and practicing in my head often and not able to stummer a word save sarcasm and ignorance. the ghost of the hallway and stairway visit me frequently and leave me post in notes in neon blue and magenta.

can we just play this song on repeat...until we die? i have never heard so much longing in a song. and i can't help but feeling raptured in ever ounce of it...
are you sad things didn't go your way. are you dissapointed in yourself? are you strong? can you tell someone how you feel when you are not sure it will be reciprocated? are you waiting all the time for the day to end? are you putting all your eggs in one basket, ....again? Because you are so good at it. i thought things used to be so deep and powerful once but i don't think so anymore.
despite everything that i used to cover things up.....cute things, fluffy things.....i also like things very opposite. i don't know what to make of this.

twenty six days

until all this fun ends and until i can manage to make myself sputter out some words which I have never had the guts to spill before. I suppose in the way that dad and i made a half an hour lunch seem much longer it is possible to do the same here. i think? things pop up when you don't expect them to and then when you sit there waiting for them they rarely come. it's almost one oclock but there's this weird feeling that i could just be content sitting here for a few more hours dangling myself on the thread for no apparent reason and only to be made false in the end.

that's why i have barely talked to anyone about this. i forget where it was that i saw this- but the idea of keeping something to yourself somehow makes it a little more special and meaningful. when you talk about it wil somehow disintigrate. I dread the upcoming weekend. tests and school work are nothing but when i sit down and try to think about everything that i need to do concering ---this issue, well i feel stagnant and somewhat helpless- i think i am quite caught in this web and i'm not sure what i am supposed to do about. surely i have two previous experiences which would technically allow me to properly analyaze these situations but i'm afraid at the time each one would not listen to the other and then it would all go blank and self destruct. I should know better by now but i don't. maybe i really need to fuck up really badly in order to get it registered in my system and then i will never do it again.

rejoicing

interesting title but not exactly pertinant to things right now. as scent permeats the room i will now practice writing. this place is a place of homework, reading, writing, and dawdling and playing on the computer. I'm going to make myself go to bed within fifteen minutes. can't keep these late night hours up when classes come around the bend so quickly in the morning.

grr I want to learn how to use my serger. should I just go for it on my own....not that I exactly have any specific projects going right now. I should probably make pillow covers next, although I have little use for any more pillows. Too many of them take up my bed as it is!

There is little concrete evidence to support claims and i trying to look onto the realistic side of things rightnow, and specfically not get my hopes up. I've done that too many time. But I wonder what this all says about me and about where I am going with things. Quiet is daunting but somewhat peaceful. I get to see one of my friends this saturday who I haven't seen in a long time. there is also the potential possibilty of canoeing....which would be different but I think it would be good to shuffle things up a bit. Get minds off certain things....

I am half way done with my paper for my AH class....It's challanging, this assignment. I was taught so long that my writing style was to ...weird that I could use it so gradually I taught myself to write very formally, and I now that I am being asked to be creative again i keep thinking that everything that I write sounds bazaar.

Can you smell that from here? Can you see that? It's so nice. I've been learning that seeing, really seeing, is another form of touching. perhaps closer than touching. what is is like to be seen? to really be seen....to have someone look at you and have a relationship strictly through the eyes. I think my current situation is helping me better understand this "Darsan" because I consistantly try to look for more in gestures than there really is.

My camera is officially dead. My phone survived. I would have prefered it the other way around.

september 20th, one month

Many things have changed since i got back, and i think primarily I have changed. I'm not quite sure what i want anymore at this point but the things that i do know I cling on to tightly and make sure I work hard on them. I've concluded that I'm not happy with who I am in my mind right now, I am not putting everything there I have to good use, most of which has been dorment for some time now. I need to constantly remind myself that yes, I actually used to be an intellectual- and now I seem to be someone who just goes with the flow of what is most easily available. I don't like that, I want that to change in myself.

It's fun now to be wrapped up in a christmas quilt sitting in the library, enjoying presence, enjoying what I have despite of circumstances. I can be thankful and I am for what I have here. "Silence is Golden" or so I have been told in a number or ways, the latest of which was on a movie screen.

I need a new outside of school project, having completed socks, slippers, aprons, and a few dresses. What will be next....about time I used some of all that fabric that I bought.

The plants look nice in here and the red flowers give it something extra. Not the smell, not the look, something else.

For a long time I have been trying to think of word or a defintion of something that exceeds what people see and know as pleasure and/ or love. I can't put a finger on it, but once and while it will catch me off guard and it leaves me in awe. The Recurring dream, for instance. Two different rooms right next to eachother, an old fashion greenhouse with small mossy pools (the first) and a two floor library (the second.) They walk into me about once a month and i am always left feeling unsettled but happy. A separate example: when I hear something lovely, in particular, a piece of music with harmony and crescendo. Some architecture will also make me feel this way. That prickly feeling you get when you are having a really great time with someone- not even someone you know too well. That person smiling and laughing in the corner of the room, and you wishing you had the guts to go and strike up a conversation. Some of these things give more pleasure than any kind of intimacy. I am sceptical that this will change. I just wish sometimes I knew someone who understood this.

I seek out someone who appreciates and sees these things too but am doubtful they will talk to me. Sometimes I just like being around him for no reason. But why am I still here?

I should know by now not to get my hopes up too high. I just need to let things go. Always impossible things, always unlikely so the point becomes mute. I should just let it go and let friends remain friends and stay like that. And so on and so forth.

ambivalent

I have really enjoyed my classes so far this semester except that ....my science technology class if slightly unsatisfying. Teacher is nice but there seems to be a lack of...assignments and or anything else so to speak.

Other things are unclear as welll.....my like hate relationship with tom waits continues at the present moment as mule variations seems to play, and the clock ticks away and i enjoy being unclear, ambivalent, and oh so teenager again.

am i hip enough

to think of kick ass post names? no, I'm afraid not. It's been a lovely day of knitting, working on my cage project (pretty much done now) and other things...like puttering. I'm very good at that. Now I'm thinking- how can the song Herculean be so good and epic when it's too short? It really has so much more potential than it is as it is now. It could easily go on for another verse or so. Nevertheless I enjoy watching the boys in suits and top hats and pulling off that grungy-chic without that much effort. Enough to make you swoon.

The Loreena McKennitt concert was amazing. After waiting like 8 years or so to see her live- well I think it worked out just dandy. She played great songs- not just the ones from her new album. She opened up with "She moved through the Fair"...which sounded different that it did on paralell dreams. Also- I was totally psyched about her playing The Old Ways, The Highwayman, and The Lady of Shallot. Could it have gotten better? YEs! Then she played Marco Polo....and other wonderous things.

However seeing Loreena meant not seeing Jarvis Cocker, which was ultimate sadness for me. In fact. I just his video for "Don't Let Him waste your time" which I laughed so much over. It's so lame and corny and I love it.

So, Lets talk about socks. Beautiful Lace socks, as in the Anna Socks in Rowan # 40. These made my heart flutter when I picked up the pattern book a few weeks back...and now I have gotten Sooty...the 4 ply soft, and I'm so happy with the first 7 inches of progress that I have made. I have done my research and read others posts about the needle size so I started with US 2 dpns and probably will go down to 1's towards the ankle. I've never made socks before...so we shall see what happens. Hopefully I'll get to the end of the calf before I go to Japan so someone in the house can help me do the heel and foot!

So, potentially, in my dream store/craft center/ maybe something else too..there would be many antipast socks, alaia flats, handspun yarn, sock monkeys, hysteric glamour, cupcakes, liberty of london prints, marimekko prints, prairie underground, clogs, russel and hazel, sukie, origami paper, duck umbrellas, bensimon shoes, vintage german glass beads, japanese craft magazines, buttons, petit bateau shirts, and many other handmade things.
theoretically.

from the library

Oh my look at that lovely weather outside, and look that is a little finch sitting on the window ledge! cute!!! I was really hoping to go for a walk along the river today, but it seems I have developed a little cold. I am somewhat in denial about this, but hopefully I will get over it soon. My artwork has been coming together slowly this semester but it will all be said and done very soon. I've been working on making some patterns on my own for clothes and been working on some installation related things which pertain to my house.

On a happy note, I'm to go see Loreena McKennitt in April! A long time favorite of myself and mom's, we are very happy because she doesn't not come around very often. Of course, Jarvis Cocker also has to be touring within the same few days as that and I can't afford to go to NYC to see him...as we all know, everything happens at once. Including the re-emergence of brit pop. Jarvis...Damon Albarn with a new band and album which is fun....and maybe Blur getting back together....this all makes for a happy me.

Including....did I mention, myself going to Japan? I'm so excited!!

12/12

Just got resituated after being home from work. Forgot what it's like to do eight hour days there. I seem to have also developed a head ache and feel somewhat tempted to go to bed right now. My review board went well. They said I was "on the edge of the cliff" and it was time to jump off or go backwards. I figured this is what they say to most juniors at this point, in other words, get your act together. Except in my case I was told my act was overly together and to try to make mistakes once in a while.
My room feels really empty now that my roomate has gone. It's good and bad at the same time. Kind of lonely but it is nice to just come home and not think about trying to talk to someone else.
I'm helping out my friend tomorrow with her board, which ended up being able to work out because I switched shifts with someone....they just happened to ask if i could.

sunday sunday

What a nice day at work. I love my job, I'm excited for the holidays. I need to bring in more crane earrings for next times...only two pairs left. I made my first Nomad Cd mix, which made my day lovely listening to some of my favorite tunes at work. Put some money down on the cydwoq bag, which I am super excited about. My roomate is playing the rent sndtk now- I love listening to her singing along... and oh how I love musicals...they have a lot of sentimental value for me....very high school...i love them.

I've been trying to get better at the piano lately. I keep waiting for my nick cave piano book to come in, because the one they sent me before was defecctive and had marker scribbles all over it!! yuck! nevertheless I photo copied one of the songs out of it that was readable.

my knitted shawl is coming along, but i need to spin more yarn so that I can keep going. Ricky is starting to spin! He is so cute, I'll have to post a picture of his first ball of yarn. He was so proud of himself, and I was too. I'm happy that he is finding so other activity for himself. Now I'm just worrying he's going to get better than me!

it is lovely out!

I got up early to take out the trash today, infact, I think I might be getting some muscles from doing this activity three times a week!

Wow, I really love brit pop. I could write forever about how much I love this topic. Last night as I got out of class I decided to see if I could get into the Matmos show across the street, surprisingly not sold out! So I caugh the last half hour of that, a very sound art experiance. I had wanted to go but I didn't want to put the money out for it...but since I got there late and with my handy mfa ID =free! yay! Anyways, when I got out the show it was very pleasing to me to see a yound kid sporting the Blur hamburger logo on his shirt, how sweet. What happened to this great time period in the 90's?

Today will be really nice. I'm doing laundry which needed to be done, knitting my shawl, and my all time favorite activity: puttering. I finished (pretty much) my items for the open yours too trade! I'm really happy with the way they turned out. I'm so excited!

four glasses

I have a tendency to let empty water glasses linger in my room.

I just got back from having a late breakfast withy Stacy, my beloved boss/friend who is departing from Tufts to move on to bigger and better things. I had a quite tasty rum raisin scone, the frosting however, was a little too sweet for me. When I have a scone, I don't want something particulary sweet, kind of bready with a hint of sweet. That doesn't really make sense does it.

I've been listening to "Romeo and Juliet" by the Dire Straits on repeat now for the past to days. As has been pointed out to me, I become somewhat obsessive about certain songs, thinking they are brilliant and wonderful. It's not that I've never listened to the song before, but I get into little ruts like this.

I've also lost my T pass, which is disturbing to me. Luckily there isn't much left to July (not that I don't like July, I just don't like losing things). And now I feel guilty about getting on the T because I hate knowing that I could have gotten on it by just swiping a card.

In addition , I've cancelled my "Cutie" subscription (the japanese fashion magazing that comes with a free toy). I must cut down on expenses, and considering I don't read the language, I thought it might be good to stop this "extra". However, I found it very necessary to purchase this fun striped England shirt to celebrate by attatchment to the country. Such is my reasoning. But recently, I doubt my ability to be rational in my reasoning. oh well!

frozen milk

I just made dinner. I bought these veggie "chicken" cutlets which I had tried at Ricky's party....very tasty! Then I reallized while I was making them that I didn't want to eat them plain....so naturally they turned in fajitas. It was exciting, but it definetly needed a sauce. My milk always freezes in the fridge, why is this?

Work was really slow today, especially after 4:00....it was so dead! I bet everyone was out enjoying the weather and at the beach, I am very jealous! I made this pretty exciting green necklace at spark the other night. It is very loud and heavier than most necklaces i am used to, you can kind of see it in this picture...but it's blending in with my shirt.
I need a new knitting project very badly. I was thinking armwarmers for this upcoming fall/winter? I need suggestions...I certainly have enough scarves.
when I move into my new home I am going to simplifly. I will not bring so much stuff with me. I think I'd like to go with a light blue theme.

july 8th

I filled in for someone at nomad today- my first saturday working there. It wasn't that busy at all today- very dead in fact. I've come to understand that people just love talking on their phones very loudly in stores so that everyone can hear, in addition, people also like to stay on their phones while trying on clothes and while paying. Customers, please step outside if your call can not wait.

I waited for a half hour for the train to come- yes! I was being lazy and did not want to walk. Well, there was a man down there, clearly not all there, continuously repeating "I talked to conductor upstairs and he said that there is construction going on a charles street and that the train should be here in five to ten minutes....in five to ten minutes, it will be here shortly..."etc, I felt bad for him, but it was still kind of funny. I think he was autistic the way he was obsessing about 5 minutes, ten minutes, and then talking about how much he paid for his soda and where he could get it 5 cents cheaper....number repetition. Unfortunately, he also smelled bad. So, giving up on waiting for the train, I walked home, while directing another person towards davis.

Now, having sucessfully filled my stomach with a frozen dinner entree, being Amy's cheese enchiladas - I am quite satisfied. I even licked the sauce off the plate.

old bathroom wallpaper

We went to pick peas and water the tomatoes in Ellington, and I walked around taking pictures of the cracks in the basement, and also, the wall paper in the bathroom.

Well, my schedule has now changed quite a bit, I've lost some hours at the library, dropping to 12 versus the previous 17, how sad. And none of the hours are with my friend, who is moving from boston shortly. I might run over to spark later and see if it's too late to sign up for the class tonight....I've never used my free class yet, and I thought, why not tonight, before I move from the area and switch over to down town.

That's right, I'll be moving mid-August. I've temporarily had enough of apartment living....and when I went to try to find a new apartment, well, things in the area are not in great condition, and nevertheless, they are so expensive! So as not to disclose the exact place I shall be living, let's just say I found a great place in Beacon hill- yes, yes, a very nice place, which under most circumstances I would never be able to live in in my dreams. To put it simply, I am very excited. =)

i'm so bored and at the library right now. will be going home though after this, don't know how long it will take to get to riverside though. The Nick cave dvd is playing right next to me, pretty exciting that we have that here i think! even though i've watched many many times before. this new (well, old) pulp cd is blowing my mind across the table....it's the "on fire" cd....consisting of many songs which i thought it was aabout time that I owned, no? maybe i should start buying more cds that i should own by now.

I meet with my new potential roomate on monday, her name is julia also, isn't that funny. i re-read a sandman book and it was as good as i remembered. I think when i run home quickly after this i will grab the next two to read. i need to get my read on. i just finished "codex" which was entertaining for the kind of trash that i love so much. i could read so many of those kinds of books, books about religious controversies or hidden documents which would be threatening to modern person.

this summer has been very uneventful so far. i got the flu- which of course when you are sick you feel like the world is going to end and you are never going to get better. that's how i felt, most certainly.

im not in bed yet

i'm such an old fart i go to bed much earlier than all these youngins. and i'm not twenty for a few more months, but i fell like i've been stuck in the teens for quite some time now. Just was flipping through some things. wow someone has a very strong vibrator on their telly! (nothing to do w ith the previous sentence).

this morning consisted of feeling sick and not going in to volunteer. i continue to feel somewhat sick , but in the meantime i bought a much wanted pair of jeans (all the ones i have that i love have holes in the crotch). saw caroline for a lil bit and then had cheese and crackers and watched antiques roadshow at her apartment. start the library job tomorrow woot!

all the sticky tack keeps melting on my walls and i don't know why, it's not even warm out.
got a lot of hair chopped off in northampton when i went home this past weekend. it was an envigorating experience.
in addition, i went through old photos while home. quite some funny ones i'd like to send out to people. weird to read about where people are these days. or people that at one time were really important to you, are they still important?

where can i find bensimon elasticized tennis shoes in the US????